Ever hear about some convicted white collar criminal sentenced to ten years in jail for stealing $50 million, who was then was fined $40 million?
Ten years in jail and $10 million waiting when he is released? For most of us folks in the mid- to lower reaches of the economy, that doesn’t seem like a bad deal at all. Especially considering the relative comfort of medium- and minimum-security prisons.
A more meaningful punishment for a rich thief would be to skip jail and fines entirely and assign them a multiplier, based on how much they stole.
Say a small-time stock poacher made off with $4 million. Instead of even trying to recover the money, let the brigand keep his ill-gotten greenbacks. His sentence would be to live off that $4 million for one year. But – based on a median income in the U.S. of $40,000 annually – the thief would be assigned a multiplier of 100. His multiplier would be applied to everything he bought
Isn’t it a bitch that candy bars cost 75 cents? Applying his multiplier, for the year of his sentence, the would-be swindler has to fork over $75 for each of his Snickers. A $4 fast-food snack would set the thief back $400. While he watches you pay four dollars for the same breaded chicken sandwich.
Filling up his car would cost the thief at least $4,000 (twice that if he drives an SUV). His monthly utility bill could easily top $20,000 ($200 for you.).
Our larcenous friend should hope he doesn’t blow out his knee from the old football injury. Because settling his health insurance co-pay on his total knee replacement (one knee) would cost him a cool $1 million — a quarter of all the money he has to live on for the entire year. Just like the impact would be for people earning the U.S. median $40,000 per year if they had to come up with a $10,000 co-pay (happens all the time.)
Now, if somebody were to steal $4 billion, the multiplier would get really fun.
We’re talking $75,000 candy bars and $4 million for a movie at the multi-plex plus two entrees at Olive Garden. The knee – mein Himmel! – would be $1,000,000,000.
One thousand million dollars. Of course, the guy stole four thousand million, so he can afford it. Still, it’s got to hurt.
As emotionally satisfying as this may seem to non-thieves, the devil, as always, is in the details. Like – where do all the extra bucks end up?
When the first guy – our $4 million buccaneer — buys his $75 Snickers, seems like we should just let the merchant keep the change and pay a share to the commons in taxes. But what about the billionaire-thief’s $7 million burger and fries? That’s a pretty big tip.
On second thought, let the waitress and restaurant owner divvy that up, too. Just make sure they pay their taxes. There’s nothing a rich scoundrel hates more than having nobodies do to him what he’s been doing to them all these years.
Of course, many people would want to do business with the multiplied crook and reap the windfall. So badly, in fact, they may even be willing to make a deal with the multiplied thief. Says the crafty merchant: “You pay me $20 million for the TV set now and I’ll give you back half the money at a later date.”
I don’t know what the punishment should be for the non-multiplied co-conspirator, but the crook should get his sentence extended – with no new money. Try buying a $149,000 shirt when you’ve only got $130,000 left on your debit card. We’ve all been there.
The multiplied pilferers will have to be identified in some easily recognizable way. With constant strides being made in the fast-growing field of tattoo-removal, I suggest the foreheads and both cheeks (and, perhaps, the back of the hands for devout female Muslims).